Millie’s Human Behavior Files
Millie, Rogue Correspondent
Domestic Cat (Felis catus )
Millie is a domestic cat, household investigator, and unauthorized guest correspondent for Science Scandal. Unlike most members of the Rogue’s Gallery, she is not primarily here because Science Scandal keeps investigating her. Millie periodically hijacks Momma’s keyboard and contributes reports of her own, usually concerning the strange, inefficient, and scientifically questionable behavior of humans.
She is bold, curious, affectionate, and almost pathologically unwilling to miss anything interesting. Loud crashes, thunderstorms, hail, unfamiliar machinery, insects, tiny snakes, household commotion, and suspicious changes to the environment generally inspire investigation rather than retreat. Millie has been known to launch herself across a room simply because something was happening and she was not yet involved. She also maintains an unofficial house patrol, closely monitors new objects until satisfied that they are no longer suspicious, and can spend remarkable amounts of time conducting hands-on investigations of small moving creatures.
Her social life is equally hands-on. Millie actively seeks human attention, sometimes using prolonged eye contact until Momma acknowledges the summons, and she has a particularly close relationship with her brother Nitro. Their mutual grooming and cuddling can become so enthusiastic that Nitro occasionally appears to be the victim of a very affectionate felony. Millie remains serenely unconcerned by the optics. She also has strong opinions about sleeping locations, cardboard boxes, paper bags, windows, furniture placement, household routines, and objects that humans mistakenly believe they still control.
As Science Scandal’s rogue correspondent, Millie is therefore uniquely qualified to cover domestic cat behavior from the feline perspective. Her specialty is human behavior, particularly cases involving disrupted routines, badly designed household policies, accidental animal training, inadequate respect for feline property rights, and humans failing to understand perfectly obvious cat logic.
Known “Charges”
- Hijacking Momma’s keyboard for unauthorized investigative reporting
- Inserting herself into any commotion before determining whether participation is necessary
- Operating an unofficial house-wide rapid-response and wildlife-surveillance unit
- Conducting prolonged unauthorized experiments on insects and other small moving subjects
- Refusing to disclose the location of wildlife after summoning human assistance
- Annexing cardboard boxes, paper bags, hammocks, windows, chairs, and other objects upon arrival
- Continuing to claim property even after temporarily ceasing to use it
- Escorting humans through the house while simultaneously creating a pedestrian hazard
- Summoning Momma for petting through sustained eye-contact pressure
- Violating her Nitro's personal-space rights through excessive cuddling, pinning, draping, and unsolicited use as heated furniture
- Maintaining an implausibly innocent expression while photographic evidence suggests wrongdoing
- Monitoring suspicious household machinery until it has completed an adequate probationary period
- Watching severe weather from the window instead of displaying an appropriate amount of concern
- Converting discarded packaging into premium residential property
- Filing complaints whenever human schedules, clocks, furniture arrangements, or other administrative decisions conflict with feline expectations
Current status: Still in the house, still under the impression that management requires supervision, and still prepared to document additional human misconduct at any time.
“This is Millie. I hijacked Momma’s keyboard to write this post.”
3 public scandals currently on file.
Read all Millie, Rogue Correspondent scandals
